It's been a long time since I posted on this blog. 2-3years? But this is really like my dairy I've kept for so many years. Though its not something constant, in some point in my life I always find myself referring back to this place.

Honestly I can't remember when I started this blog but according to the archives it's 2007 that's like almost 6years worth of memory already. Time flies so fast. And to my future self I'm posting this at the start of my 20th year.

Despite many people telling me how holding this URL is honestly I felt the same way. And even there were so many times I tried creating a new blog because of this. Of everyone of them failed big time. But hey I created this when I was about 14 years old. That's the period when most young girls are childish is it not? And at this age I decided not to change it anymore because its something for me to look back too.

I think this post is gonna be very long because the past few months I have so many bottom upped feeling whereby I seriously don't know who to tell. This feeling of loneliness as I watch all my friends living their lives while I seat behind my computer almost everyday fearing my future.

Where should I start from? My insecurities? My feeling of loneliness? The fear of abandonment? Or burden I'm afraid of shouldering?

I know everyone out there has their own insecurities in different ways but what I've learn over the years is that if you don't voice them out, the feeling is only gonna be stronger and stronger. At this stage of life most of us would've begun fearing for the future even more than before. I'm no different. Things like 'jobs' is what I fear most. To be honestly everyday I'm thinking,"what is it that I want to do?" I tell so many people I've always wanted my own company of blah blah. But I can't help but doubt myself if I'm even capable of that. Sometimes I envy my friends at Uni who knows what they want to do. It's the same envy I have towards celebrities who are already working in a field they love. Even if they aren't a world famous star but if they don't love what they are doing they'll stop right? Right now I don't know if its too late but I'm slowly beginning to search for my answers but it seems like I'm getting nowhere. It seems like I'm trying to search by forcing myself by coaxing myself as to where this course is gonna lead me. In the end I always find myself looking back at my poly days realizing how much I loved those days as compared to now. I blew my chances not once but twice and I'm regretting it dearly now. Like the saying in many dramas, you don't realize what is precious to you until you've lost it. I finally understand. If given a second chance to relive those days I promise my work attitude who be totally different. But I know that's impossible.so now the question is... In what way can I go back into that field given my current situation? I guess I'll only find my answer 2-3years later.

What should I talk about next? The feeling of loneliness? I don't know about that honestly. Maybe I'm just not a very expressive person who tends to think too much. And when I say too much it's extreme. In other words I'm just shy. I'm jealous. Jealous of so many things. I'm jealous of people able to voice out their opinions on the net. Yes I'm not even able to voice out my comment on the net that's how shy I am. I don't talk very much. I think people find it hard to get close to me. And I always think negatively. Though it may seem like I'm a happy go lucky person but once I'm on my bed, like now, all the negativity start pouring out. It just that I don't voice them out. I want to. But I can't. And I don't know why. Maybe it's just that I find it hard to reject people. So much that I'm willing to do almost anything they say that is within my means. In the end it feels like I'm just seeking attention. I don't know. But honestly I get so frustrated when people don't reply me. Even if there's nothing to say I just hope for a 'oh I see' rather than nothing at all. I maybe childish in my own ways by purposely not answering too but I really hate myself for that. It feels like if I answer them yet I don't receive one in the end I losing the end of the bargain and that feeling of loneliness just swells again. Why I am this childish? Why?

I'm hating myself so much. Sometimes I feel like its best if I live in soldiery away from everyone.

Sometimes when I see my friends posting all the hate about themselves I always think.. How can you hate yourself? You're so much better than me? I love your traits. So don't hate yourself so much. But I know that's not possible. I probably learnt a lot from from mangas and shows. It's hard to recognize your positive aspects. It's only visible in the eyes of others. And till this date I've never doubt that. Till now, I don't see and can't tell what's so good about me but many have told me stuffs they think is good about me. It's vice versa.

But still despite all the hating throughout all these years there are 3 people who I can't live without. And I seriously hope they won't disappear from my life.

This super long post may not make any sense even to me but I feel so much better after posting it out. There'll be so much more along this journey called 'life' and I hope to record more more of them here. Probably this is my motivation to get back into blogging. In the past it was pretty inconvenient to blog since its only accessible through computers but now I can use my phone to blog which makes things so much more easier. And believe it or not, this long ass post is entirely typed from my iphone. Or maybe not long ass since things always look longer on phones. I don't know.